Waiting

Waiting

By Robert J. S. T. McCartney

Nothing is perfect in this life,

There’s no one, other than you, that could be my wife.

We’ve been through so much;

The good and the bad, thick and thin;

Just trying to survive the day as such,

I’ll take any chance with you as a win.

I told you way back when,

“I love you,” remember back then?

Before we were even a thought,

I waited, and waited, time never bought.

Here we are many years later,

Getting older and grayer.

Even though times may get trying,

There is no use in hiding;

The life that exists and lives within;

Babe, it’s because of you that from then and herein;

I am for you, by you, and with you every step of the way.

And though we may at times struggle to make it through,

I’ll do anything I humanly can do;

To show you that I love you,

Especially, when we both said, “I do.”

And though the darkness may at times wash over me,

I look to heaven for your light to guide me.

I reach out for your hand,

Together, we’ll traverse the misshapen land.

In my head, it’s a crowded and loud mess,

I tell you this because I’d share with you nothing less.

I hope that when I go;

Before you, so you know;

I’ll be there waiting, smiling,

“I told you, I loved you so.”

For Kay
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Que Será, Será Papà

Que Será, Será Papà

For Dad

By Robert J. S. T. McCartney

 

Whatever will be, will be,

Time is fleeting that I can see.

You were here for a moment,

And gone in an instant.

You’ve left your mark,

Imprinted deep within our hearts.

 

Time is said to heal all wounds,

I keep tearing mine open;

Thought to be entombed;

The only seem to deepen.

 

I missed you then, and I miss you now,

Only I cannot call you and hear you say—

“How are you and the girls?”

I know you told me that we’ll be alright;

That you love us, and you’ll miss us.

 

It’s difficult now, but you’re right,

We’ll be alright;

Because of the love, you showed us.

We know you loved us,

Because we loved you.

We’ll miss you too,

Just as you miss us.

 

In life, we’re here for but a moment,

But in death, we are together forever.

 

Que serà, serà, papà,

 Whatever will be, will be.

I’ll look for you in my dreams,

I’ll see you wherever the sun beams.

 

When the girls ask me, what will they be,

I’ll be sure to tell them.

Que serà, serà, papà,

Whatever will be, will be.

The future’s not ours to see,

But I’ll be here with every step of the way;

To support, love you, and care for you;

And prepare you for come what come may.

 

Life will be what will be,

It’s up to us to seize.

With love for each other;

Even in the darkest of times;

Tis nothing we cannot weather,

Let’s look to our lifetimes.

 

So, let’s hug a little longer, tighter,

Give an extra goodnight kiss.

Our hearts fuller and burdens lighter,

Be sure to say how much we miss;

Each other, even for a moment.

 

For you, from me, and us all,

We love you most of all.

Goodbye For Now

Goodbye for Now

By Robert J. S. T. McCartney

 

You had a way about you,

Words were worn like a shoe.

You just knew what to say and do,

There won’t be another dad like you.

 

You were an example of what the best can be,

Now I only hope you’ll be able to see;

The fruits of your labors and watch them blossom.

 

We loved you in big ways, and we loved you in small ways;

Unexpired and transcendent of time;

You were Dad, and you were mine;

Ours.

 

You never asked for much,

And now we miss your touch.

The cold has come and set in,

And our grief…where to begin?

Our hearts are heavy, and we know not what to do,

Dad, what are we do without you?

 

And so, we lay you to rest today,

But before you go, I just wanted to say;

I love you,

Bye, bye;

Au revoir;

Toodaloo;

Arrivederci;

Auf wiedersehen;

Bye, bye;

Only for now.

 

Read 11/30/2018

For Dad

For Dad

By Robert J. S. T. McCartney

 

What can I say except that I love you?

What words can I find to say that I’ll miss you?

Words… there are so many that I could choose—

None though can describe the void that now dwells within.

 

You were my dad, and although some of the times seemed bad,

I hope you know I was never mad.

You did what you could,

I know that I should—

Have sought you out sooner.

Because later has come and now…

You’re gone.

 

I’m glad that I got to see you and make amends,

To show you an example of a man;

I had become and noted all the nuances,

I saw that we were more alike,

Even though miles and years apart.

 

I’m happy you got to see your grandchildren,

That twinkle in your eye.

I could tell you were proud of me,

And I of you.

 

So even though you’re gone from the here and now and ascended to the stars above,

I hope grandma, grandpa, uncle Pat, and everyone else welcome you home.

I hope one day you’re there;

Waiting for me,

The rest of us,

A family reunion.

Where we bask in each other’s company,

That we can all catch up.

 

I loved you then, and I love you now,

I know though that when I say goodbye, it’s just for now.

 

With love,

Your Son

For Aeris, a birthday poem.

A [for Aeris]

A

One of two and going on four,

Full of energy and never bored.

The younger reflection but still your own,

You used to be so small, held in my arms, now grown;

Rambunctious and free,

Oh, the horrors that await when you start climbing trees.

Three and now four?

T’was only yesterday when you were first born.

Now, you’re dashing about and seeing with the sense of wonder,

Where the world is your oyster.

Oh, what you will be,

The adventures, people, and places you’ll see.

I love you, to the moon and beyond,

So, enjoy today and tomorrow, we’ll respond;

Happy birthday to you,

My little goddess of discord.

 

With love,

Dad

A Poem: Goodbye

Goodbye
It’s time to die

It’s what we must face every day
There’s no going around it did to say
Grave as it may seem
It’s the only the place where we may redeem
Ourselves from the lives we’ve lived
All that we took in and claimed to have given

Good. Bad. Ugly. Beautiful.
Nothing matters in death
Except for totality and acceptance

No exceptions
No expectations
No IOUs or low down blues

Just a meet and greet with our long lost silent friend
They, who welcome us at the end
A sight for sore eyes
No need to sympathize

Hello
Goodbye
As the light goes out in our eyes

Ten Years: A Poem

Ten Years [For Zelda]

By Robert J. S. T. McCartney


One

I thought my life was done; when you and your mom almost died.

Two

Darkness took over and nearly ruined my life. I was very blue.

Three

I realized that nothing was going to change by sitting on my hands. I made a change and started to get better. You grew up so much since the last year; I knew the kind of kid you’d grow to be.

Four

I watched you grow and saw how you made people smile. Your laughs were contagious, and soon you’d start school. I still struggled with myself and fought with my mind. The guilt I harbored was massive and cut me to the core.

Five

Your sassiness was profound. You were the perfect blend of your mother and I. Without a doubt, you and your mother brought me joy. I was still wading through the darkness. I’d grit my teeth and fight the pain to stay alive.

Six

Enduring the rollercoaster ride as I stumbled along to keep control. I’d lose my way here and there; fighting myself and getting lost in my abysmal dismal thoughts. Your mom and I struggled to get you the equipment you needed and stood against those who would deny you. It was a taste of something we knew a life this way we would endure, but we knew that together, we could do it. I strayed and started to get lost in alcohol to try to help numb the pain. I had built up a wall with flesh, bone, and despair bricks.

Seven

This was the year when you found out you were going to be a big sister. It would be a new adventure. I wanted to be ready. As hard as I tried, I  know I could have done better. Even as I got help and started to show improvement, I’d take two steps forward and fall two more. I struggled to see the joy of having a perfect family. I often found myself outside looking to heaven.

Eight

Ah, your sassiness was so contagious that your baby sister caught on quick. You slowly opened up to having a sister. I was starting to find my way out of the darkness. My alcoholism would soon be kicked to the curb. I took up arms to further better myself: eating, working out, making an effort to be there for you and your sister. You were growing up too fast for your mom and me. The tears I once shed for the memory of a tragedy, were now tears of joy of having you still. I was beginning to let go all the feelings I had harbored, especially, hate.

Nine

Soon, we would leave our old home and move. It was a new start for us all. I relapsed and retreated into the darkness. I had found some comfort, but the feelings gnawed at me. The realizations and truths uncovered left me scared for us. It would be some time, but I would finally emerge victoriously. I improved my body and mind and would find a balance. I took up the craft that I believed I was destined for. I’ve watched you grow up this far and wonder where has it all gone—time?

Ten

The darkness has subsided and I am myself. I still can’t believe that it’s been ten years. You’ve become such a beautiful girl with a contagious laugh and smile. You’re our world and more, and even though you can be a crabby crab, we love you very much. It’s taken me this long to finally find the strength to cast off my shackles of guilt and blame. I can smile and laugh and be myself. I’ve come to manage my PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I’ll keep fighting and being here for you, mom, and your sister. I know it’s just another year to some, but you’ll always be our little bugaboo and pumpkin. Happy birthday to our Princess Zelda on your tenth.


 

For Zelda

Love Dad

My Fantasy

My Fantasy

by Robert J. S. T. McCartney

Lust. Love. Sex. Drugs. Power.
So many fantasies we, as people, do we create by the hour.

We fake.
We break.
We quit, wilt, and die.

Too often are we forced to bend a knee or be pressed down onto the firm mattress and be ravaged by life’s atrocities.

In my time, I’ve been led to a world wonder. Where I’ve experienced an intimate relationship between lovers: life and death.
Caught often in a lie, as we lie entangled in a mess of sheets and heat.

Where do we profess and confer our love and become engorged on each other.
Tasting a sample but taking the package, we wallow in this momentous excitement.

Ten years, it’s been ten years since I’ve become gluttonous on this punch drunk love diet.

Where sometimes there were suppliers of supplements that offered a chance at a change of heart and soul.
Opinions made and traded, save for those whose face was a cancer in our alleged “detestable and fictitious” love affair.

Savage, were they and the threats made, we moved far. Where we ought, and brought not the reprehensible acts, nor stayed the course of that which tarnish our voyage.

Still do, I feel the same; still do I look you in the eye; still, do I feel the fire within.
Still does my heart beat; still does my breath stop; still, does my heart belong to you and only you.

For there are many fantasies that we experience every hour…
But none may compare to the one I live every passing moment I am with you, nor can words be formed into the sentences to describe the euphoria; yet bittersweet life I spend with you.

For I know… that one day it’ll end. Therein lies, though, hope…
That I’ll find you again in the waking mortal world.

For my wife on our 10th anniversary. —Rob

Enough

Enough

by Robert J. S. T. McCartney

I’ve had it up to here,
There’s nothing left of me: no note, no tear.

I’m choosing to end it all,
By drawing a line, up and down these walls.

I’ve screamed and shouted, but nothing comes back to me,
This is the evidence that I’m not to meant to be.

I’ve had enough.
I had everything I could have ever wanted in life.

I’ve had enough.
A home, family, friends, and all that I could ever ask.

I’ve had enough.
The talk of the demons within,
They reassure me my life’s sin.

I’ve had enough.
I’m tired of it all.
I wasn’t strong enough.
I couldn’t stand above it all.

I’ve had enough.
I’m through with this life.
I’m done trying to be tough.
I’ll end it all with this knife.

So here I go getting everything ready,
I can’t lie it’s really scary.
But I know it’ll only hurt a little bit,
Before I know it I’ll be out of it.
I’m leaving it all behind,
Everything and everyone this is my suicide!

You said, I was a failure,
That I had no place in this world.
You said, I was a traitor,
That I was nothing and undeserved.

So I’ve had enough,
From you and all those who cast me aside.
I’m done, not to be gruff,
But I’m done trying to please all of you and abide.

Don’t revive me,
This is how it has to be.
I won’t survive,
So this is my final goodbye.

I have had enough.

A Poem/Tie-in and Post: The Prelude

When I did my other little ditty about “Time,” I had another spur of the moment kind of thing that led me to do the following piece.

This one, I felt I would include in my third or fourth book of The Lodestone Files: Among Us: Contact, Assimilation, Control, Extermination series.

Those moments I find enjoyable; random spurts of creativity, and one where I am not at war with my mind in focusing on something (like that sweet, sweet sleep) and being restless until I have to be up 20 min before my alarm goes off. Of course, now that I mention that, I probably will be tossing and turning and God knows what else.

In any case, it’s a visit to my therapist in the AM, where I will divulge my last few weeks of ups, downs, and everything in-between. So needless to say, I am looking forward to that shut eye, unloading of what’s gone on, and what the time until the next session will be.

On the plus side, I am going to go to sleep with Mile High by Morphine playing and that’s pretty good. Ah. Love it. When I need a good wind-down time song, chillax, or be me. . .pop on some Morphine and let the music weave its way in.

I digress, though.

If you’re interested in the first book of the series, download it on Amazon (free in most areas; if it’s not free in your area, let me know! I’ll get you a PDF copy. You can also opt-in with your email, here.


The Lodestone Files: The Things in the Shadows: Among Us: Contact, Assimilation, Control, Extermination Book 1)


If you’ve already done Book One, we’ll I have number two done and readily available. If you opt-in via email, I will send you a PDF copy of that too.

Well, that’s about it. I’ll be catching some Zs and stuff. More to come tomorrow and all that jazz.

Until then,

RJM


The Prelude

by Robert J. S. T. McCartney

The time is almost here,
A time we should all fear.

The time is almost here,
A time we should fear.

The time is here,
We should fear.

The time to fear,
Is almost here.

It’s almost here,
We should fear.

What it could become.
They

Who
It

Them
Things

Who are you?
Who am I?
When?

It’s near,
We fear.

Near
Here

Fear
Near

It’s already here.
They’re near.

All there is, all that remains. . .
is fear

This text was hastily written on what remains of a wall in a dilapidated apartment building. A crumpled skeleton lays on the ground nearby. Perhaps, the remains of the author or another unsuspecting victim.

The prediction of the alien’s invasion so many years ago.