Your Uncle Bob is getting dressed for the occasion that matters most in the year. That’s right, kiddies — Halloween! So what better way than to share the wondrous story of amazement that is The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidalfrom 10/29/19 — 11/2/19 for your Amazon Kindle.
There are no nougat, caramel, nuts (well Bob is a bit off his rocker, but you know that’s just how he is). However, it contains zero calories, sugar-free, gluten-free, all-natural, and no additives except for what life adds. There’s also no razor blades so you parents out there can rest assured that you’re getting a real treat.
Look, there isn’t a sugarcoated pill that’s swell enough to swallow when it comes to suicide; nor is mental illness a joke. A lot of times it gets swept under the rug like everything else going on in the world. Through the stories dark humor and take on the matter, it’s a self-projection of the number of times that I wanted to experiment in certain situations.
Free this week (starting 9/25) as a pre-treat to your Halloween fix; as it’s no trick and surely a treat as you can five-finger discount the dark humor novella The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal – Amazon Kindle edition.
You can secure your copy via the link above in its wondrous glory, until September 29, 2018.
If you’ve been wanting or itching to read about Bob and what’s wrong with his noggin, then it has never been a better time to reach in the grab bag than now.
If someone you know and love knows what it’s like to be the sad man, and what it’s like to be down on their luck, this book is for them. If they want a laugh, this book is also for them. If they secretly want the world to burn and think a deranged man who kills himself multiple times a day can do it, this book is for them. Plus, it’s also free. It’s also fiction. Free fiction that combines dark humor, action, suspense, science fiction, bewilderment, and what the fuck just happened, ALL IN ONE! It’s like getting a Dell, but without the spam and malware, that’s pre-installed.
So, I invite you to take a chance. Leap off the big building of normalcy and dive head first onto the concrete with this adventure involving a beloved character who has nothing going for him. What’s the worse that happens? You could hate it, or you could love it? It’s free.
Fantastic descriptions of what it would be like to wake up with no consequences.
Realization that this is fiction and that the meme Bob is different than the actual Bob, but for all purposes, Bob still has his arms and legs.
Eagerly hope that Bob doesn’t die in the end.
Everlasting love and friendship are for the birds. This is Bob’s story, and he’s sticking to it.
If you didn’t see that subliminal message that was pretty obvious, then I don’t know what to tell you. In any case, face the void with Bob at the helm. We’re crashing this ship right into your face, and infiltrating your mind with the crazy.
Happy Independence Day, folks. Or rather, ‘Happy-Wear-Your-USA-Flag-Bikini Day and Shoot Shit Off All Fucking Day.’ Yay!
Heaven forbid if you decide to have to, you know go to sleep early because you have a job; one that requires you to be up early as that son of a bitch rooster crowing, or if you not wearing an some Old Navy USA Flag shirt, or dislike the sounds of fireworks going off until one in the goddam morning, and your dog is howling. Then morning comes around, and you’re left with your eyes sagging lower than your nuts on your left leg because your kids couldn’t sleep. But you know, you’re the inconsiderate and un-American one if you disagree.
Hardly anyone remembers what this day means or what it represents. But since it’s a day off from the weekly work grind, folks sure do remember it then. A bunch of mindless drones.
I suppose it’s not their fault, entirely. We’ve been continually getting more dumb with each generation, that is, the mass population. You get a few bright bulbs here and there, but it’s a small number compared to the majority.
I bet you’re wondering “Bob, what are you doing with your 4th of July?” Well, bucko, lemme tell you all about it. I’m planning on shooting a bunch of shit off until who knows when. I’ve got it all planned out. Y’know, being that asshole of a neighbor. That’s the goal this year anyway.
The day started off simple enough. No itches but a ton of anxiety. We were to have folks over and make it a big shindig. Honestly, I just wanted to be left alone or go out somewhere by myself. It is what it is, though.
So we had everyone over and gathered everyone up for a show off of who’s firework ego was greater. Then I remembered, I hate the Fourth of July. After getting tired of who could fire off the bigger grade of booms, I thought it was time for my show.
I stood up and wandered over to the launcher and readied everything up. I was going to give everyone the show of a lifetime and I didn’t care. Everyone was there, all eyes on dear old Bob. At least the kids were inside playing video games.
Well, I decided to take a few M-80s and string them together (for maximum boom and to take someone’s head off. Namely mine.). I lit them and dropped them in the makeshift mortar launcher that Ted had made. Then I waited for the boom. Let me tell you, it was a hell of a rush. Y’know when you watch Mission Impossible and watching that fuse go? Hearing it sizzle, waiting for the boom. Well, I made some ‘modifications’ to the fuses, because I knew damn well that someone would try to be the hero. Sure as shit, someone tried, but I got the final discharge off. As bad as that sounds, it’s not as bad as the next bit. When I say I got the final discharge, I had my mouth open. So, you can imagine as soon as those suckers shot up, caught them in the mouth and POP goes I went.
When the day reset, the itch had begun, and I figured I’d start with the fireworks show and see what other fun ways I could off myself.
So I went with a fistful of M-80s—that was plenty painful. At least no one tried to be a hero that go around. Next up was a bunch of firecrackers—swallowed them whole. That was a spicy meatball; I’ll tell you. I know, you’re probably thinking, “Bob, that’s impossible.” No, no it’s not. It’s possible, and I do not recommend trying it. I ended up losing my hand on top of getting my insides tore the fuck up.
Those were the fun ones for that part of the day. The others were more like the grilling aspect.
* * *
So, I had my fun going out with a bang. I mentioned last time about grilling and well — let me just bring you up to speed.
The few guys I was having over wanted to have a grill out. I figured, bah, why not. Wouldn’t be too bad. Then everyone was launching their shit. Dogs were barking; cats were going crazy, kids were screaming, it was just a clusterfuck.
Well, I had about enough of it. Sure, people were having a blast and a grand old time, but old Bob? Nah, he wanted no more of it. I had just put the burgers on the grill when it happened. It was automatic I’d say, but then again, it wasn’t the first time where I went “fuck it” and just did what I wanted to do.
So, Bob’s burgers are on the grill, wandered on over to the gas can in the garage. Walked out to the middle of the street and poured it all over me. Then I flicked my lighter and toasted myself to a Happy 4th of July. A lot of people just stood there in shock that they just saw their quiet neighbor torch himself in front of everyone. Some attempted to be quick on their feet, but dear old Bob had a backup plan for that. You see I placed a few firecrackers in my pockets. You know, for that added pizzazz and flair. I must say, though, it wasn’t a great way to go. Self-barbecue. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be, and it hurts like hell. Eventually, though, your brain shuts you down, and well, your body gets well done. In my case, though, I was more medium-well.
I did a few different takes on the day. Each reset I was at a different friend’s place. Each time was a different way to go. M-80 in the gas tank of the car driving into the creek, playing Foghat’s Slow Ride. I made a custom M-80 vest and wandered out back of my pal Sid’s place and lit up, like, well the Fourth of July. At Jerry’s, I fashioned a few makeshift cherry bombs and made it look like I was taking a sip of beer, only to have my face and hand blown off. Then there was Terry’s place. We went into the woods, and I had decided that I would be a Wicker Man. So, I outfitted myself with I don’t remember how many and kinds of fireworks but when we got to the spot and unloaded. I told the guys I had a show for them. They all laughed and said “Alright, Bob. Can’t wait.” That night I lit myself up and gave them a presentation to remember.
The last time was where I had no itch and where I wasn’t really in a mood for offing myself. Crazy I know. I decided to spend it with my family and enjoy the time. That night, my wife and I got to coupling. In the end, it was a good day. Hardly anyone shot their shit off. It was pretty nice. Later on, though, as it rolled into the 5th, I ended up dying in my sleep.
I know, I know, you’re thinking “Bob, you didn’t kill yourself?” You’re right. I was amazed as well. Still, at least I shot my rocket off, and well, it ended up being a happy ending.
Well, until the other stuff happened to me but that’s something you can find out for yourself.
You can secure your copy via the link above in its wondrous glory, until December 26th. You can also check out the new hardcover art that is available, in comparison to its predecessor (which is available in digital and paperback).
This slideshow requires JavaScript.
There will be other free deals in time. However, this is the deal you are looking for. Be sure to get your free copy this holiday season for yourself, for a friend, or any other reader on your Naughty or Nice List.
Bob likes the Naughty List. He said so.
If someone you know and love knows what it’s like to be the sad man, and what it’s like to be down on their luck, this book is for them. If they want a laugh, this book is also for them. If they secretly want the world to burn and think a deranged man who kills himself multiple times a day can do it, this book is for them. Plus, it’s also free. It’s also fiction. Free fiction that combines dark humor, action, suspense, science fiction, bewilderment, and what the fuck just happened, ALL IN ONE! It’s like getting a Dell, but without the spam and malware, that’s pre-installed.
So, I invite you to take a chance. Leap the big building of normalcy and dive head first into this adventure involving a beloved character who has nothing going for him. What’s the worse that happens? You could hate it, or you could love it? It’s free.
Fantastic descriptions of what it would be like to wake up with no consequences.
Realization that this is fiction and that Bob is a meme and has his arms and legs, and still gets around quite well.
Eagerly hope that Bob doesn’t die in the end.
Everlasting love and friendship are for the birds. This is Bob’s story, and he’s sticking to it.
If you didn’t see that subliminal message that was pretty obvious, then I don’t know what to tell you. In any case, face the void with Bob at the helm. We’re crashing this ship right into your face, and infiltrating your mind with the asinine.
If you’ve been wanting or itching to read about Bob and what’s wrong with his noggin, then it has never been a better time to reach in the grab bag than now.
Robert J. S. T. McCartney 