Free this week (starting 9/25) as a pre-treat to your Halloween fix; as it’s no trick and surely a treat as you can five-finger discount the dark humor novella The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal – Amazon Kindle edition.
You can secure your copy via the link above in its wondrous glory, until September 29, 2018.
If you’ve been wanting or itching to read about Bob and what’s wrong with his noggin, then it has never been a better time to reach in the grab bag than now.
If someone you know and love knows what it’s like to be the sad man, and what it’s like to be down on their luck, this book is for them. If they want a laugh, this book is also for them. If they secretly want the world to burn and think a deranged man who kills himself multiple times a day can do it, this book is for them. Plus, it’s also free. It’s also fiction. Free fiction that combines dark humor, action, suspense, science fiction, bewilderment, and what the fuck just happened, ALL IN ONE! It’s like getting a Dell, but without the spam and malware, that’s pre-installed.
So, I invite you to take a chance. Leap off the big building of normalcy and dive head first onto the concrete with this adventure involving a beloved character who has nothing going for him. What’s the worse that happens? You could hate it, or you could love it? It’s free.
Fantastic descriptions of what it would be like to wake up with no consequences.
Realization that this is fiction and that the meme Bob is different than the actual Bob, but for all purposes, Bob still has his arms and legs.
Eagerly hope that Bob doesn’t die in the end.
Everlasting love and friendship are for the birds. This is Bob’s story, and he’s sticking to it.
If you didn’t see that subliminal message that was pretty obvious, then I don’t know what to tell you. In any case, face the void with Bob at the helm. We’re crashing this ship right into your face, and infiltrating your mind with the crazy.
When I wrote The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal out, it started out as a gimmick series of blog posts. It turned out to be one of my favorite stories, aside from it being my personal thoughts and such. It’s so much more than just a slap in the face and entertaining read.
People seem to think suicide is a cowardly act, that it is funny, or to mock the deceased. That it is a taboo to talk about openly or it gets swept under the rug. Most often, those who hurt the most are those closest to us; those who suffer quietly and wear the biggest smiles and give us the biggest laughs. Some are open about their pain and their struggles.
Suicide is something one cannot dismiss or disregard. Folks get all uppity when a celebrity dies or offers “prayers.” That we should “take action” and hop on the bandwagon. Soon after that though… it’s quiet. Calm. No one really remembers. Online, people also seem to forget that your actions have consequences and bully other people (or worse, kids), and that’s not tolerable.
Between the millions that suffer; regardless of subrace, religion, sex, people suffer alone and think they’re alone. You’re not alone. I know each person’s experience of life is different. Mine has been. I’ve gotten help and am making strides to be a better person and show that it’s possible to enjoy life (even while still dealing with your demons). While it may be National #Suicide Prevention / Awareness Day / Month, we should be aware and prevent it each day. It’s not a holiday or commodity. It’s lives. Our lives. And if we band together and show each other that we care for one another more than just ourselves, the world (and our future and on) can be a wonderful place.
Happy Independence Day, folks. Or rather, ‘Happy-Wear-Your-USA-Flag-Bikini Day and Shoot Shit Off All Fucking Day.’ Yay!
Heaven forbid if you decide to have to, you know go to sleep early because you have a job; one that requires you to be up early as that son of a bitch rooster crowing, or if you not wearing an some Old Navy USA Flag shirt, or dislike the sounds of fireworks going off until one in the goddam morning, and your dog is howling. Then morning comes around, and you’re left with your eyes sagging lower than your nuts on your left leg because your kids couldn’t sleep. But you know, you’re the inconsiderate and un-American one if you disagree.
Hardly anyone remembers what this day means or what it represents. But since it’s a day off from the weekly work grind, folks sure do remember it then. A bunch of mindless drones.
I suppose it’s not their fault, entirely. We’ve been continually getting more dumb with each generation, that is, the mass population. You get a few bright bulbs here and there, but it’s a small number compared to the majority.
I bet you’re wondering “Bob, what are you doing with your 4th of July?” Well, bucko, lemme tell you all about it. I’m planning on shooting a bunch of shit off until who knows when. I’ve got it all planned out. Y’know, being that asshole of a neighbor. That’s the goal this year anyway.
The day started off simple enough. No itches but a ton of anxiety. We were to have folks over and make it a big shindig. Honestly, I just wanted to be left alone or go out somewhere by myself. It is what it is, though.
So we had everyone over and gathered everyone up for a show off of who’s firework ego was greater. Then I remembered, I hate the Fourth of July. After getting tired of who could fire off the bigger grade of booms, I thought it was time for my show.
I stood up and wandered over to the launcher and readied everything up. I was going to give everyone the show of a lifetime and I didn’t care. Everyone was there, all eyes on dear old Bob. At least the kids were inside playing video games.
Well, I decided to take a few M-80s and string them together (for maximum boom and to take someone’s head off. Namely mine.). I lit them and dropped them in the makeshift mortar launcher that Ted had made. Then I waited for the boom. Let me tell you, it was a hell of a rush. Y’know when you watch Mission Impossible and watching that fuse go? Hearing it sizzle, waiting for the boom. Well, I made some ‘modifications’ to the fuses, because I knew damn well that someone would try to be the hero. Sure as shit, someone tried, but I got the final discharge off. As bad as that sounds, it’s not as bad as the next bit. When I say I got the final discharge, I had my mouth open. So, you can imagine as soon as those suckers shot up, caught them in the mouth and POP goes I went.
When the day reset, the itch had begun, and I figured I’d start with the fireworks show and see what other fun ways I could off myself.
So I went with a fistful of M-80s—that was plenty painful. At least no one tried to be a hero that go around. Next up was a bunch of firecrackers—swallowed them whole. That was a spicy meatball; I’ll tell you. I know, you’re probably thinking, “Bob, that’s impossible.” No, no it’s not. It’s possible, and I do not recommend trying it. I ended up losing my hand on top of getting my insides tore the fuck up.
Those were the fun ones for that part of the day. The others were more like the grilling aspect.
* * *
The few guys I was having over wanted to have a grill out. I figured, bah, why not. Wouldn’t be too bad. Then everyone was launching their shit. Dogs were barking; cats were going crazy, kids were screaming, it was just a clusterfuck.
Well, I had about enough of it. Sure, people were having a blast and a grand old time, but old Bob? Nah, he wanted no more of it. I had just put the burgers on the grill when it happened. It was automatic I’d say, but then again, it wasn’t the first time where I went “fuck it” and just did what I wanted to do.
So, Bob’s burgers are on the grill, wandered on over to the gas can in the garage. Walked out to the middle of the street and poured it all over me. Then I flicked my lighter and toasted myself to a Happy 4th of July. A lot of people just stood there in shock that they just saw their quiet neighbor torch himself in front of everyone. Some attempted to be quick on their feet, but dear old Bob had a backup plan for that. You see I placed a few firecrackers in my pockets. You know, for that added pizzazz and flair. I must say, though, it wasn’t a great way to go. Self-barbecue. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be, and it hurts like hell. Eventually, though, your brain shuts you down, and well, your body gets well done. In my case, though, I was more medium-well.
I did a few different takes on the day. Each reset I was at a different friend’s place. Each time was a different way to go. M-80 in the gas tank of the car driving into the creek, playing Foghat’s Slow Ride. I made a custom M-80 vest and wandered out back of my pal Sid’s place and lit up, like, well the Fourth of July. At Jerry’s, I fashioned a few makeshift cherry bombs and made it look like I was taking a sip of beer, only to have my face and hand blown off. Then there was Terry’s place. We went into the woods, and I had decided that I would be a Wicker Man. So, I outfitted myself with I don’t remember how many and kinds of fireworks but when we got to the spot and unloaded. I told the guys I had a show for them. They all laughed and said “Alright, Bob. Can’t wait.” That night I lit myself up and gave them a presentation to remember.
The last time was where I had no itch and where I wasn’t really in a mood for offing myself. Crazy I know. I decided to spend it with my family and enjoy the time. That night, my wife and I got to coupling. In the end, it was a good day. Hardly anyone shot their shit off. It was pretty nice. Later on, though, as it rolled into the 5th, I ended up dying in my sleep.
I know, I know, you’re thinking “Bob, you didn’t kill yourself?” You’re right. I was amazed as well. Still, at least I shot my rocket off, and well, it ended up being a happy ending.
Well, until the other stuff happened to me but that’s something you can find out for yourself.
Dropping a hot note real quick before I rest my heavy head on my pillow, to remind you of the great dealio of nabbing The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing From Another World for free starting Monday, May 14, 2018. If you have Kindle Unlimited already, well, you can already get the book for free. If you don’t, however, then this would be the best time to mosey on over and grab that little electronic diode of literary saucebot and save, save, save!
Here’s a photo of it in case you need it in a lineup.
Description: What would you do?
Life had been rather normal up until that miserable night. Idris and Cal are on the run from the government, and an alien. After witnessing their small town, Lodestone, get wiped out, and the loss of their family, the boys need to keep moving with no time to grieve. With the help of a strange drunkard named Mac, they may just live.
Hot on their trail is the secret government agent, Murdoch, who is tasked with making sure that are no survivors or evidence could otherwise jeopardize the very confidential agreement between two worlds.
Elsewhere, the alien that has taken on the form of James has begun to carry out his plans for Earth and humankind’s extinction. Earth, as it seems, is in due for overwhelming destruction with no hope for humanity’s survival in this elaborate game of cat and mouse.
So, what would you do?
Nice, nice, yeah that’s pretty. Space. Lots of space.
The Re-Release of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle and The Future
Right, in other news, I know I have been lax in getting out all the new material and keeping in line with my timeline of “Things to Come.” Life happens. Sometimes you want to recoup from being accustomed to going to “Church” every day for a little over a week, and you’re left wondering, “what in the hell did I eat?” Just to find out you took the wrong vitamin and you feel pretty dumb. It happens. Well, things will be rolling and adequately done soon enough. It’s not like I have an insurmountable amount of time…OK, I do—kind of—but balancing six or so plates and such makes things a bit hard. So, I am going at a different pace and not making myself hate what I love to do the most (next to gaming, slaying people with Bill and the gang, etc.). That would be writing…if you weren’t sure.
TIP: Be sure to use PREORDER2018 to get 10% off your order when you preorder Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle (in paperback). Grab it. Love it. Caress it. Marry it? Just be wary of papercuts.
“All life is a gamble. . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”
Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards.
It’s anything but a fairy tale. Armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund gambles with her life—and with the lives of those around her.
Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.
It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled, and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah.
She plays for keeps.
Right, so while all that is happening and such, I also wanted to remind you lovelies of the return of a classic—well, my classic (along with Al’s)— Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle. I will be posting another (and final) excerpt which will be different than the older posts I once shared. I do look forward to getting the rest of the books out, but having another publisher pick it up and all that, well, it kind of snagged my production of getting those titles out. Soon, though, right?! Yes, yes, my precious… June 21, 2018, to be exact.
Suggestions? Bob Has One!
If you haven’t yet, and are in a rut and looking for something on the dark side (and still…humorous) to read, might I suggest The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal. It’s free via Kindle Unlimited, and also available in paperback and hardcover—if you’re feeling frisky. It’s got it all, except a kitchen sink and a bag of chips. That costs extra.
Hey, folks. My name is Bob Barnem, and I’m a chronic suicidal.
Do you ever get that itch? And I’m not talking about something that can be treated with a cream or powder.
You don’t follow? All right, say you’re driving down the highway. Have you ever just had a sudden urge to jump out of the car? Or maybe play intimately with traffic? In short, have you ever felt a desire for the thrill of suicide without the consequence of death?
This is a tale about my various ways of suicide…and encountering a bizarre knife, some phantom creatures, and being a hero—sometimes.
Things are about to get really exciting for both of us.
Some itches just need to be scratched.
Mmm, yeah, that’s the stuff. Trust me, it’s a fun read. I enjoyed writing it as much as I did suffering years of waging a self-mental war (and still do).
So, stick around, and stay tuned. There will be more goods to browse and wares to haggle over in the coming months.
Energy arced and cracked off of johnny. He looked at Omega and waved his hand. Omega was sent tumbling through the air and skidding across the ground.
Omega made efforts to try and assimilate any free energy in the air but couldn’t find any.
“You could have helped prevent this. You could have helped humanity. You ruined it all. You took them all away from me,” Johnny said as he gathered energy into his hand.
“Look, Johnny, it doesn’t have to end this way. We could rule over this world as brothers. You know?” Omega started to plead. He then threw his hands up in the air in disgust. “On second thought, I’m not the sharing type.”
Omega tried to make use of his fighting prowess, but it was of no use.
Johnny roared savagely and hit Omega with a fistful of energy. Omega was sent down into the earth. It was deep enough to send lava to the surface.
The Earth trembled and spat out a disfigured Omega; blackened and scarred with ash. Molten lava still adhered to him in some places.
“What have you done? What have you done to me?” Omega screamed.
“You have definitely seen better days,” Johnny remarked.
“I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you and this miserable planet! I don’t need it. I can just reshape it from the ashes and piss on your corpse!” Omega then began to laugh hysterically.
“You’ve lost. Give it up,” Johnny replied.
Omega snapped his fingers, and the earth began to shake violently. “Ace up my sleeve, short stack. Never play without one.”
Johnny gritted his teeth. He clasped his hands together and muttered a few words. The Horsemen appeared and attacked Omega, alternating each attack. Then the fallen Guardians did. Chico, Red, Pierre, Snake, Rottie…all of them. Then Johnny summoned the rest of his power. “It. Ends. Now.”
Lightning struck Johnny, and he was engulfed by the blue-white light. The roar of a tiger echoed throughout the heavens. His appearance mimicked a white tiger. Johnny attacked Omega, decimating him. Omega then laid on the ground, gasping for breath. “You’ll never save this planet.”
Johnny, in his tiger appearance, tore out Omega’s throat. He assumed his human form and wiped the blood from his mouth.
The Earth began to shake more violently and rumbled with impending doom. Without a clue of what to do, Johnny dropped to his knees.
Mom. Dad. I’ve let you down. I’ve let everyone down. Johnny waited for the end to come. However, Johnny felt the earthquakes begin to subside and heard a voice come to him.
Who is it that weeps for those lost? Who is it that defeated the beast that had set me on a self-destructive path?
Who—who’s there? Johnny asked.
I am Gaia, the spirit of the Earth. I have been in pain for so long. Then there was an exponential increase recently. There was someone who tried to kill me. I heard someone crying in the midst of the madness. Someone who wanted only to save the world and all those who were dear. Thus, I found you, child.
A beautiful woman in green and white appeared before him. “Are you the one who saved me?”
Johnny stood up and cautiously approached the woman. “I am.”
The woman smiled, “Then you are indeed the Guardian I have been waiting for.”
I no longer roam the night alone, for it is my friend. The day calms me and comforts me, for it is the silver lining of existence.
We are all interconnected, interwoven. Our fates, shared. Our destinies, our own. You are all a part of me, such as I am you. You are free. The world…is now free.
I am no longer The Nightwalker. I am the Guardian, Protector of Gaia, and the Earth.
A short time had passed. Humanity began to rebuild and right some of the wrongs it had done. Johnny looked down over the city below, watching over people rebuild. With hope in his heart that people could change. However, he’d be ready to defend the earth if the need to ever arose. The wind blew softly through his hair. He could almost see Gaia caressing his cheek as she continued on her way through the heavens. As he stared up at the sky and the clouds rolling, he could feel the gaze of the Guardians and Jerry looking down. He smiled at this and went down to lend a hand at those who worked to rebuild.
A Note from RJM:I hope you enjoyed the story of Johnny Nightwalker. There will be a final/print and polished digital version (eventually). These series of posts do not represent the final product, so please bear that in mind.
The Nightwalker may return…for now though; his story is complete.
Omega laughed and clapped. “Such a moving display. A real 180 there, kiddo. Eight out of ten, I’d nominate you for an Oscar for sure.” He smirked, “You are correct. I AM THE OMEGA. I AM GOD!” He shouted as he went for Johnny’s throat.
Then there came the understanding. Omega couldn’t touch Johnny. “What is this?”
“You’re nowhere near the power you claim to possesses,” said Johnny. “I am far beyond whatever level you are. You are the gnat now.”
Omega shrugged. “Well then… if that’s all…” He wound up another hit, this time connecting with Johnny’s jaw.
Johnny looked back in shock.
Omega grinned. “What can I say? I’m a fast learner… Plus you’re not the only one that can absorb energy or souls.
Johnny’s eyes widened. The people that had been murdered were reanimated into the nightmarish creatures. He had felt a particular note in the air but couldn’t quite place it. Now he knew why.
The two fought for a while, both proving to be equal in strength. However, as more and more time passed Johnny could tell Omega’s power gap was widening.
I can’t keep this up. Omega’s outclassed and outmatched me. I’d need more help. I need help. Jerry. I’m sorry, I cannot do it.
The sky cracked with lightning, and thunder rolled. Blood rained hard down upon them. Despair and defeat began to sink in.
“So, you see the futility of it all at last? Ha, just when it was getting interesting. Pathetic,” Omega grinned.
Johnny then felt a familiar presence; a hand placed on his shoulder. “You’re not alone Johnny. We’re all with you until the very end.”
Johnny looked to his right and left. Behind him were the former Guardians, trainers, the people that were slain, and Jerry.
“Give ‘em Hell, kid,” Johnny heard Snake say. Everyone offered words of encouragement.
“Even though we’re gone, and we can’t be there, beside you, we’re all part of you, just as you were a part of us. We’re all interconnected, a shared destiny. Here, this is your moment. For us, for the world.” Jerry patted Johnny on the back.
A blue light coursed through all the people, Guardians, and trainers alike until it amplified through Jerry.
“The night is not your enemy but your friend. We are all beacons in the dark. You shall not go it alone. Let the day’s glow bask you in the night. Free us. Save the world. You’re the Nightwalker no more, Johnny. You are the Guardian of Earth.” Jerry then placed his hand on Johnny’s shoulder.
The power was exhilarating. So much emotion. Johnny was beside himself as he watched all the light go out and the familiar faces dissipate. Until the light last came to Jerry. “You’ve been a wonderful friend, Johnny. Now, it’s time to end this madness and evil of a man. We’ll see each other again. One day.” Johnny felt tears well up. “Goodbye, my friend.” Jerry then vanished, and Johnny was left alone with all the power in the world.
Omega tried to attack Johnny during the spectacle, but it was all for naught. Every attack, every effort was deflected like it was nothing. He had, at last, come to the realization. It was the end.
Johnny and Omega exchanged blows with one another. They were evenly matched now. However, Omega still had the fighting expertise and size over Johnny.
“You are nothing more than a gnat to me. Insignificant. Petty. You aren’t even fit to be in this world,” said Omega.
“Obviously, I was the favorite compared to you,” Johnny quipped back as he charged up an electrical attack that landed square on Omega’s jaw.
Omega’s gaze became fiery. He grabbed hold of Johnny and began swinging him around like a rag doll.
“How does it feel, boy? To be second rate, second best? The sloppy seconds? A bastard that was never loved by anyone or anything? You’re nothing but space taken up and wasteful shell of a ‘man.’ You failed your family, your friends, and you failed humanity.”
Omega laughed as Johnny hung limply in his grasp.
I can’t let it end this way. I have to do something. Johnny tried to come up with strategies, but nothing seemed concrete.
Then a blinding light emitted from where he last saw the Guardians fighting. A wave of energy rushed in all directions, vaporizing the nightmarish creatures, and sending Omega tumbling to the ground.
Johnny rolled too. He slowly got to his feet and looked over where the blast originated from. There, in a now broken triangle, rested the bodies of Red, Chico, and Pierre.
He felt the last few remnants of their energy fade as it passed through him, and into the air. He turned around and stared on with tears in his eyes.
“No, no,” he stammered. “No, please, don’t go,” he dropped to his knees and began to sob. “Please don’t leave me alone.”
Omega shook his head and slowly got to his feet. He dusted himself off and set his sights on Johnny.
“I’ll give it to the little beasts, they could pack a punch with that little trick of theirs.”
He stood above Johnny, who continued to cry. “Pathetic. Reduced to a sniveling and whining piglet. Yet, you were to be the better soldier? Ha!” Omega spat on Johnny.
Johnny felt the energy and presence of the Guardians.
Lad, we’d never leave ya. Well, willingly, in any case, he heard Red say.
We’re a part of you now, Johnny, stated Pierre.
“Our power is now yours. Not just us though, everyone. Together, we’ll be what beats Omega… Because you’re the embodiment of all. You can do this, Johnny,” said Chico.
Johnny clenched his fists. Time, it seemed, stood still. The push he needed had at last come. He stood up tall and looked Omega in the eye.
“I am not the Alpha, the Omega, or the Beta. I am the one who walks in the shadows. Where the light does not pierce, for I am the light in the darkness.” Raw energy began to course through Johnny. Arcs of the elements, bouncing, flickering, and colliding. His eyes radiated with the powers he assimilated and that of the Guardians. “I am the Nightwalker!”
It’s been a little while, hasn’t it? When life happens, you learn to adapt. There’s a lot going but it’s all for the greater good.
So, what’s to share?
We’re wrapping up production on The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal.
Meanwhile, the multipart conclusion of Johnny Nightwalker will be coming up this evening.
Part three of The Lodestone Files is being worked on, along with many other projects.
You can also check out books one and two of the series in the shop.
So, as for the delay in things…
It’s also a good idea to take a break, look over things, then get back at it, because let’s face it; nothing ever gets done on its own.
Keep at what you do and make sure YOU love what you do. Especially, when it comes to writing. I know and am aware not many folks give a damn what I do or write, but that’s OK. I write for me. An audience of one, is better than an audience of none.
I’ll bee posting intermittently over the next few years as well. There are certain things in motion that need to happen. I’ll still be writing… just not posting as much (not like I do, right? Life. In all its wondrous glory!).
Do stick around for more things to come. I wish you all well and to stay safe.
This title offers more backstory on Mac, as well as exactly how the contact between the alien homeworld and Earth was established. Also, we see how the newly reformed “James” begins his pursuit of the boys and Murdoch.
The exciting game of cat and mouse starts hard and fast with book two. After that, you may wonder, when will book three come out? What about compiling them? A lot of “whats” that you may ask…and I’ll gladly answer.
While book one is free, book two will not be. Unfortunately, the price set on Amazon is $0.99; it’s a fixed price that cannot be changed. However, I will be offering the title here on A.B.Normal Publishing and Media Group at a discounted price of $0.35. That’s the cost of a candy bar or pack of gum. Not too much, is it?
Book three could come out possibly this Winter…however, it’ll surely be out Spring of 2018. And then the last book will be later 2018; including the bonus short story from another family’s PoV. They will be compiled and placed in a collection as soon as they’re all released.
This story picks up immediately after the end of The Lodestone Files: The Things in the Shadows. Book two marks a great setup for the following events and provides some more backstory on a few of our characters and overall backdrop. Book three is in the final stages as is book four, which is where we will conclude this short series.
After book four ends, there will be a reissue of all the books as one. For those that do purchase copies (either directly or via elsewhere; with proof of purchase) I will offer discounted copies either by print or digital.
In addition to the conclusion, there will be a bonus chapter/side story about another family caught during a particular event. That story will be included in the fourth book and reissue as my thanks to you (and it will not be added to the “MSRP” to jack up the price.
I will also be selling digital copies of all titles here as well. I’m just fine tuning and making sure there are no bugs. They will be at a discounted rate if you purchase directly from A.B.Normal Publishing and Media Group.
All in all, I hope to heighten your reading experience, and if you so need it, publishing experience as well. We are looking to expand to take on a few clients and maintain a small press for now, but eventually, we’d like to be a medium or large press (and beyond).
I wish you all well this evening and rest of the week.