Trick or Treat: Bob’s Saving You a Seat

Hey, folks.

Your Uncle Bob is getting dressed for the occasion that matters most in the year. That’s right, kiddies — Halloween! So what better way than to share the wondrous story of amazement that is The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal from 10/29/19 — 11/2/19 for your Amazon Kindle.

There are no nougat, caramel, nuts (well Bob is a bit off his rocker, but you know that’s just how he is). However, it contains zero calories, sugar-free, gluten-free, all-natural, and no additives except for what life adds. There’s also no razor blades so you parents out there can rest assured that you’re getting a real treat.

Look, there isn’t a sugarcoated pill that’s swell enough to swallow when it comes to suicide; nor is mental illness a joke. A lot of times it gets swept under the rug like everything else going on in the world. Through the stories dark humor and take on the matter, it’s a self-projection of the number of times that I wanted to experiment in certain situations.

Also, to help the fight against suicide, for every paperback and hardcover edition that is purchased, all proceeds will be donated to the following charities. Mission22, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS).

Remember folks, no one has to go it alone in life. Let’s end the stigma about suicide, and let’s do something about it.

Also, I wish you all a happy and safe Halloween.

As always…until next time,

RJM


If you are having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Or, text HOME to 741741 to be connected to a trained Crisis Counselor through Crisis Text Line.

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What’s Up?

Hey, folks.

Some may be wondering what I’ve been up to (while others may not and that’s alright too).

Well, in short, I continued to take a little break. I’ve still been working on material and content for Abnormal Publishing but I also been doing it a lot less rushed state. A lot has been going on with life, the death of my father, managing weight, health, family, etc. Writing, while it’s my passion and such, it’s just a side project that I enjoy and do what I can when I can. Now that the kiddos are doing full-time school that opens up some time to help squeeze some juice in to sate what I want to get done.

I am also waiting patiently for 2020 to come around because I have a lot of what I have been saving to just unload all over put out for folks to read. There are also more stories planned and a new universe that was created that I am sure some people will enjoy. I am also looking to expand the story of Bob, the beloved suicidalist, and even Walter and Dana’s adventures. There is a trove of new characters, stories, and settings to go that I have to probably convert it to an Excel spreadsheet.

There is also a (nearing) 1K page epic post-apocalyptic tale that will need to be chopped, diced, and then its remains pureed into fantastic results. You don’t want to skip right to pureeing. Especially when it comes to the sauce.

There’s also a new (and final) season of The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God coming. Trust me, folks, it’s going to be a helluva send-off and good that it ends this way.

Also, this Halloween (10/29/19 — 11/2/19) The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal will be free, with proceeds from hardcover and paperback copies going to suicide prevention charities.

 

You can also download or purchase a paperback copy of the urban fantasy novel Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle.

That’s about it for now, so check back early and often for news, updates, and what my shoe size is.

Until next time,

RJM

Christmas Just Got A Lot Brighter —Freebies Inside!

Hey folks.

Do you like free-ninety-nine (aka free-99)? Check out the deal below!

The Lodestone Files Book 2

So, next week on December 22, 2018 (12/22 — 12/26), The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing From Another World will be free on Kindle.

 

the_chronicles_of_bob_ecover

On December 22, 2018 (12/22 – 12/26), The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal will be free also on Kindle.

If you’ve been wanting to read these titles but haven’t had the time or urge to; how about now? 😉

I hope you enjoy them!

Until next time,

RJM

Make Plans with Bob: Free Book 9/25 – 9/29

Hey folks.

Free this week (starting 9/25) as a pre-treat to your Halloween fix; as it’s no trick and surely a treat as you can five-finger discount the dark humor novella The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal – Amazon Kindle edition.

You can secure your copy via the link above in its wondrous glory, until September 29, 2018.

The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal Ebook CoverIf you’ve been wanting or itching to read about Bob and what’s wrong with his noggin, then it has never been a better time to reach in the grab bag than now.

If someone you know and love knows what it’s like to be the sad man, and what it’s like to be down on their luck, this book is for them. If they want a laugh, this book is also for them. If they secretly want the world to burn and think a deranged man who kills himself multiple times a day can do it, this book is for them. Plus, it’s also free. It’s also fiction. Free fiction that combines dark humor, action, suspense, science fiction, bewilderment, and what the fuck just happened, ALL IN ONE! It’s like getting a Dell, but without the spam and malware, that’s pre-installed.

So, I invite you to take a chance. Leap off the big building of normalcy and dive head first onto the concrete with this adventure involving a beloved character who has nothing going for him. What’s the worse that happens? You could hate it, or you could love it? It’s free.

Fantastic descriptions of what it would be like to wake up with no consequences.

Realization that this is fiction and that the meme Bob is different than the actual Bob, but for all purposes, Bob still has his arms and legs.

Eagerly hope that Bob doesn’t die in the end.

Everlasting love and friendship are for the birds. This is Bob’s story, and he’s sticking to it.

If you didn’t see that subliminal message that was pretty obvious, then I don’t know what to tell you. In any case, face the void with Bob at the helm. We’re crashing this ship right into your face, and infiltrating your mind with the crazy.

Pick up The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal for free, until September 29, 2018.

To infinity and next time.

RJM

The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal Ebook Cover

The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidalist’s 2018 Fourth of July Special

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Happy Independence Day, folks. Or rather, ‘Happy-Wear-Your-USA-Flag-Bikini Day and Shoot Shit Off All Fucking Day.’ Yay!

Heaven forbid if you decide to have to, you know go to sleep early because you have a job; one that requires you to be up early as that son of a bitch rooster crowing, or if you not wearing an some Old Navy USA Flag shirt, or dislike the sounds of fireworks going off until one in the goddam morning, and your dog is howling. Then morning comes around, and you’re left with your eyes sagging lower than your nuts on your left leg because your kids couldn’t sleep. But you know, you’re the inconsiderate and un-American one if you disagree.

Hardly anyone remembers what this day means or what it represents. But since it’s a day off from the weekly work grind, folks sure do remember it then. A bunch of mindless drones.

I suppose it’s not their fault, entirely. We’ve been continually getting more dumb with each generation, that is, the mass population. You get a few bright bulbs here and there, but it’s a small number compared to the majority.

I bet you’re wondering “Bob, what are you doing with your 4th of July?” Well, bucko, lemme tell you all about it. I’m planning on shooting a bunch of shit off until who knows when. I’ve got it all planned out. Y’know, being that asshole of a neighbor. That’s the goal this year anyway.

The day started off simple enough. No itches but a ton of anxiety. We were to have folks over and make it a big shindig. Honestly, I just wanted to be left alone or go out somewhere by myself. It is what it is, though.

So we had everyone over and gathered everyone up for a show off of who’s firework ego was greater. Then I remembered, I hate the Fourth of July. After getting tired of who could fire off the bigger grade of booms, I thought it was time for my show.

I stood up and wandered over to the launcher and readied everything up. I was going to give everyone the show of a lifetime and I didn’t care. Everyone was there, all eyes on dear old Bob. At least the kids were inside playing video games.

Well, I decided to take a few M-80s and string them together (for maximum boom and to take someone’s head off. Namely mine.). I lit them and dropped them in the makeshift mortar launcher that Ted had made. Then I waited for the boom. Let me tell you, it was a hell of a rush. Y’know when you watch Mission Impossible and watching that fuse go? Hearing it sizzle, waiting for the boom. Well, I made some ‘modifications’ to the fuses, because I knew damn well that someone would try to be the hero. Sure as shit, someone tried, but I got the final discharge off. As bad as that sounds, it’s not as bad as the next bit. When I say I got the final discharge, I had my mouth open. So, you can imagine as soon as those suckers shot up, caught them in the mouth and POP goes I went.

When the day reset, the itch had begun, and I figured I’d start with the fireworks show and see what other fun ways I could off myself.

So I went with a fistful of M-80s—that was plenty painful. At least no one tried to be a hero that go around. Next up was a bunch of firecrackers—swallowed them whole. That was a spicy meatball; I’ll tell you. I know, you’re probably thinking, “Bob, that’s impossible.” No, no it’s not. It’s possible, and I do not recommend trying it. I ended up losing my hand on top of getting my insides tore the fuck up.

Those were the fun ones for that part of the day. The others were more like the grilling aspect.

* * *

So, I had my fun going out with a bang. I mentioned last time about grilling and well — let me just bring you up to speed.

The few guys I was having over wanted to have a grill out. I figured, bah, why not. Wouldn’t be too bad. Then everyone was launching their shit. Dogs were barking; cats were going crazy, kids were screaming, it was just a clusterfuck.

Well, I had about enough of it. Sure, people were having a blast and a grand old time, but old Bob? Nah, he wanted no more of it. I had just put the burgers on the grill when it happened. It was automatic I’d say, but then again, it wasn’t the first time where I went “fuck it” and just did what I wanted to do.

So, Bob’s burgers are on the grill, wandered on over to the gas can in the garage. Walked out to the middle of the street and poured it all over me. Then I flicked my lighter and toasted myself to a Happy 4th of July. A lot of people just stood there in shock that they just saw their quiet neighbor torch himself in front of everyone. Some attempted to be quick on their feet, but dear old Bob had a backup plan for that. You see I placed a few firecrackers in my pockets. You know, for that added pizzazz and flair. I must say, though, it wasn’t a great way to go. Self-barbecue. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be, and it hurts like hell. Eventually, though, your brain shuts you down, and well, your body gets well done. In my case, though, I was more medium-well.

I did a few different takes on the day. Each reset I was at a different friend’s place. Each time was a different way to go. M-80 in the gas tank of the car driving into the creek, playing Foghat’s Slow Ride. I made a custom M-80 vest and wandered out back of my pal Sid’s place and lit up, like, well the Fourth of July. At Jerry’s, I fashioned a few makeshift cherry bombs and made it look like I was taking a sip of beer, only to have my face and hand blown off. Then there was Terry’s place. We went into the woods, and I had decided that I would be a Wicker Man. So, I outfitted myself with I don’t remember how many and kinds of fireworks but when we got to the spot and unloaded. I told the guys I had a show for them. They all laughed and said “Alright, Bob. Can’t wait.” That night I lit myself up and gave them a presentation to remember.

The last time was where I had no itch and where I wasn’t really in a mood for offing myself. Crazy I know. I decided to spend it with my family and enjoy the time. That night, my wife and I got to coupling. In the end, it was a good day. Hardly anyone shot their shit off. It was pretty nice. Later on, though, as it rolled into the 5th, I ended up dying in my sleep.

I know, I know, you’re thinking “Bob, you didn’t kill yourself?” You’re right. I was amazed as well. Still, at least I shot my rocket off, and well, it ended up being a happy ending.

Well, until the other stuff happened to me but that’s something you can find out for yourself.

 

 

 

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The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal was a writing project by Robert J. S. T. McCartney, here at A.B.Normal Publishing. You can purchase the dark comedy novella, The Chronicles of Bob: the Chronic Suicidal on Amazon in various formats [Free on Kindle Unlimited].
THIS  STORY IS A WORK OF FICTION. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle — Available Today

Hey folks.

It’s the day that’s come around again. The release of the novel Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle in its beautiful paperback form. The Kindle version will be available June 28, 2018, and is open for pre-orders.

Deluxe cover for "Lilah's Guide to Hoyle."

Win or lose, I am happy to have Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle back out in the world. I have been eager to get books one and three out for the world to see, and with the idea of possible books four and five. . .well. . .I want to see them all done officially and venture on.

I also have been having the itch of bringing out my one WIP (it’s done, just the title is still being bounced about) dubbed Sinclair Gets His Rolex. It’s a superhero story, but it’s more so an unorthodox way the hero gets his powers. I’ve also thought of several reworks and if I wanted to actually just start it over again or go and tweak things to a different route. It’s open-ended, so I have plenty of wiggle and flex room.

Then there’s the wrap up to The Lodestone Files. Ugh, I have it done as well as the side story, but it’s incredible how life can populate your time and let you miss out on getting back into writing more. A lot is going on and a lot to do. Much less apparent; not that I am on hiatus. . .but I am. I write when I can and when I can, but a lot is going on behind the scenes. Plus, I value doing things with my family and friends, so I again, do what I can when I can.

The Lodestone Files Book 2

I look forward to seeing what people think of the “revised” Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle and look forward to seeing how it fairs. I am not nervous, nor do I care about the reviews (good or bad), I just write for myself and want to make some stories known.

In any case, I will be around and also sound off about the Kindle version of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle next week or so. I wish you all well, and to have a happy weekend. Stay safe out there!

Until next time,

RJM

 

 

P.S. In case you forgot what Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle is about…

Lilah's Guide to Hoyle Cover

Description:

“All life is a gamble. . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards.

It’s anything but a fairy tale. Lilah, armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund, gambles with her life–and with the lives of those around her.

Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.

It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled, and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah.

She play’s for keeps.

Free Kindle Book Two of The Lodestone Files — Get It 5/14 — 5/18

Hey folks.

Dropping a hot note real quick before I rest my heavy head on my pillow, to remind you of the great dealio of nabbing The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing From Another World for free starting Monday, May 14, 2018. If you have Kindle Unlimited already, well, you can already get the book for free. If you don’t, however, then this would be the best time to mosey on over and grab that little electronic diode of literary saucebot and save, save, save!

Here’s a photo of it in case you need it in a lineup.

The Lodestone Files Book 2

Description: What would you do?

Life had been rather normal up until that miserable night. Idris and Cal are on the run from the government, and an alien. After witnessing their small town, Lodestone, get wiped out, and the loss of their family, the boys need to keep moving with no time to grieve. With the help of a strange drunkard named Mac, they may just live.

Hot on their trail is the secret government agent, Murdoch, who is tasked with making sure that are no survivors or evidence could otherwise jeopardize the very confidential agreement between two worlds.

Elsewhere, the alien that has taken on the form of James has begun to carry out his plans for Earth and humankind’s extinction. Earth, as it seems, is in due for overwhelming destruction with no hope for humanity’s survival in this elaborate game of cat and mouse.

So, what would you do?

Nice, nice, yeah that’s pretty. Space. Lots of space.

The Re-Release of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle and The Future

Right, in other news, I know I have been lax in getting out all the new material and keeping in line with my timeline of “Things to Come.” Life happens. Sometimes you want to recoup from being accustomed to going to “Church” every day for a little over a week, and you’re left wondering, “what in the hell did I eat?” Just to find out you took the wrong vitamin and you feel pretty dumb. It happens. Well, things will be rolling and adequately done soon enough. It’s not like I have an insurmountable amount of time…OK, I do—kind of—but balancing six or so plates and such makes things a bit hard. So, I am going at a different pace and not making myself hate what I love to do the most (next to gaming, slaying people with Bill and the gang, etc.). That would be writing…if you weren’t sure.

TIP: Be sure to use PREORDER2018 to get 10% off your order when you preorder Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle (in paperback). Grab it. Love it. Caress it. Marry it? Just be wary of papercuts.

Deluxe cover for "Lilah's Guide to Hoyle."

Description:

“All life is a gamble. . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards.

It’s anything but a fairy tale. Armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund gambles with her life—and with the lives of those around her.

Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.

It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled, and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah.

She plays for keeps.

Right, so while all that is happening and such, I also wanted to remind you lovelies of the return of a classic—well, my classic (along with Al’s)— Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle. I will be posting another (and final) excerpt which will be different than the older posts I once shared. I do look forward to getting the rest of the books out, but having another publisher pick it up and all that, well, it kind of snagged my production of getting those titles out. Soon, though, right?! Yes, yes, my precious… June 21, 2018, to be exact.

Suggestions? Bob Has One!

If you haven’t yet, and are in a rut and looking for something on the dark side (and still…humorous) to read, might I suggest The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal. It’s free via Kindle Unlimited, and also available in paperback and hardcover—if you’re feeling frisky. It’s got it all, except a kitchen sink and a bag of chips. That costs extra.

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Description:

Hey, folks. My name is Bob Barnem, and I’m a chronic suicidal.

Do you ever get that itch? And I’m not talking about something that can be treated with a cream or powder.

You don’t follow? All right, say you’re driving down the highway. Have you ever just had a sudden urge to jump out of the car? Or maybe play intimately with traffic? In short, have you ever felt a desire for the thrill of suicide without the consequence of death?

This is a tale about my various ways of suicide…and encountering a bizarre knife, some phantom creatures, and being a hero—sometimes.

Things are about to get really exciting for both of us.

Some itches just need to be scratched.

Mmm, yeah, that’s the stuff. Trust me, it’s a fun read. I enjoyed writing it as much as I did suffering years of waging a self-mental war (and still do).

So, stick around, and stay tuned. There will be more goods to browse and wares to haggle over in the coming months.

Until next time,

RJM

Free Kindle Book 5/14/18 — The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing From Another World

Hey folks.

The Lodestone Files Book 2

I just wanted to let you all know that next week (5/14 — 5/18) you can snag book two of The Lodestone Files series for free; even if you don’t have Kindle Unlimited. So, if you don’t have KU and are strapped for cash and want to venture down highway free-99, this would be the time to do it.

Deluxe cover for "Lilah's Guide to Hoyle."

Also, next month (6/21) marks the release of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle. You can use the coupon code PREORDER2018 for 10% off your purchase. This release will be only available in paperback and as an ebook. If you already have your copies from when the title was originally released, congrats! However, a bit of change and such are found in this newer copy. You may want to pick it up or ask for it as a gift. 😉

(There were a limited number of hardcover copies printed and signed. As of now, there are no plans to re-release new hardcovers.) 

Wishing you all a fantastic week, until next time.

RJM

P.S. If you haven’t already or didn’t know… You can get book one of The Lodestone Files for free. Book three will be coming out this Summer. 😉

P.P.S. The site will be moving… soon™. Meaning everything will be under A.B.Normal Publishing and Media Group vs. two separate addresses. You’ll see. 😉

Free Kindle Book Until April 19, 2018

Hey, folks.

I wanted to tell you about a free Kindle book deal that you can get just by clicking this link.

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What’s the book? It’s the dark comedy, The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal. My social and therapeutic experiment I did a wee while back. It’s the novella about Bob and his suicidal tendencies, and the results of each death that plaguing a much bigger picture. The ups and downs is struggling with depression (so bad that it can cripple a person) and also the portrayal of “social suicide,” where you kill knowingly kill your social life because you’re so fed up with your fellow human beings.

There’s murder, there’s wit, and probably some parts that will make your sides (or pants) split. Be amazed. Be disappointed? Be ENTERTAINED! With Bob and all his thoughts.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy a bit of downtime with Bob.

Until next time,

RJM

 

P.S. I’m working on a new short story… possible novella involving the undead (yay!) and am fabricating the new season of The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God. I’m excited to share them all with you. /BearSlap to the face. I’m out!

Free for You. Free for All. The Chronic Suicidal is Here.

Free and still just in time for Christmas is the novella The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal – Amazon Kindle edition.

You can secure your copy via the link above in its wondrous glory, until December 26th. You can also check out the new hardcover art that is available, in comparison to its predecessor (which is available in digital and paperback).

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There will be other free deals in time. However, this is the deal you are looking for. Be sure to get your free copy this holiday season for yourself, for a friend, or any other reader on your Naughty or Nice List.

Bob likes the Naughty List. He said so. 

If someone you know and love knows what it’s like to be the sad man, and what it’s like to be down on their luck, this book is for them. If they want a laugh, this book is also for them. If they secretly want the world to burn and think a deranged man who kills himself multiple times a day can do it, this book is for them. Plus, it’s also free. It’s also fiction. Free fiction that combines dark humor, action, suspense, science fiction, bewilderment, and what the fuck just happened, ALL IN ONE! It’s like getting a Dell, but without the spam and malware, that’s pre-installed.

So, I invite you to take a chance. Leap the big building of normalcy and dive head first into this adventure involving a beloved character who has nothing going for him. What’s the worse that happens? You could hate it, or you could love it? It’s free.

Fantastic descriptions of what it would be like to wake up with no consequences.

Realization that this is fiction and that Bob is a meme and has his arms and legs, and still gets around quite well.

Eagerly hope that Bob doesn’t die in the end.

Everlasting love and friendship are for the birds. This is Bob’s story, and he’s sticking to it.

If you didn’t see that subliminal message that was pretty obvious, then I don’t know what to tell you. In any case, face the void with Bob at the helm. We’re crashing this ship right into your face, and infiltrating your mind with the asinine.

Pick up The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal for free, until December 26th, 2017.

To infinity and next time…and also wishing you an A.B.Normal holiday season.

RJM