Originally posted on Abnormal Publishing.
Darkness. All that there is—is darkness.
Then a pale light emanates above something—or someone.
The camera comes close and reveals the silhouette of a figure. A sexy figure—in armor and fur.
The camera then pans up and reveals the sexy beast to be The Bear God wearing night vision goggles. He pulls them off and gives a toothy grin.
“Kept you waiting, huh?”
“CUE THE LOGO!”
Some announcer guy pops in randomly.
The Bear God sighs. “Woah, woah, spoilers man. Come on now.”
“Sorry, Bear God. I’ll let you *sniff sniff* take over.” Random announcer guy runs away sobbing uncontrollably knocking things over like a noob.
“Can someone go check on Ray? I think he’s butthurt for no reason…again. Right, let’s get on with the show.”
A fire erupts in the fireplace, lighting the room in a soft, warm glow. The Bear God puts on a silk pajama robe and sits down in a luxurious recliner, and sips on an alcoholic drink or whatever the hell it is he’s drinking.
“I know what you’re thinking, ‘Sin, where have you been all this time?’ Well, folks, I am here to tell you that I’ve been busy. Busy doing other things in life and well, living in itself is pretty damn busy. So, sure, we got to Episode Two of The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God and things kind of…dropped off.”
“Like a dingleberry. You’re known for those.”
“As I was saying, some books were being written, a seasonal outline made, and well, the old man upstairs apparently has a lot of things he wants to get done.”
“Like your mom!”
“Ooh, so cool, edgy and new. You really struck a nerve with me there, Maker.”
The Bear God rolls his eyes.
“Do you think normal folks can differentiate between knowing when someone is talking, compared to the script-like description that is also italicised?”
“One can only hope. I mean, it’s been this way for quite awhile. Plus they’d know it’s one of our styles if they bothered to read anything by us, or picked up The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal, The Lodestone Files: Book One and Two, Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle (due out June 21; it’s getting touched by another publisher. We’ll see how that turns out.). Anyway, so we’ve had this…break…I guess. However, we’re looking to get back into the game and swing of things. At most, we’ll probably be a once a week kind of deal. We have the Alpha to test out and well when it comes to that sort of thing we’re pretty adamant about criticising. Granted, things may or may not get through when it comes to feedback, but that’s not my boat.”
The Bear God drinks his drink and fills another magically out of thin air. MAGIC-AH!
“We’ve come a long way in a short amount of time. While we weren’t gone indefinitely, we know there is a long, long cliffhanger. Granted, it’s not as overdramatic as some other works, a lot of filler has been cut, and the action/story was allowed to keep on chugging that bottle of Oxycontin. Really, folks, it’s going to be a great show. We are going to have new forms, like this super roid rage form I get, with my armor on it and shit. Ah, man.
The Bear God squirms in his chair and tries to not moan uncontrollably.
“Hoo, I feel sorry for whoever is going to have to clean that up. Ah, back to business at hand. What is the purpose of this segment? Well, for one it’s to say I AM BACK, BABY! I am also bringing the whole gang with me. Two, it’s also to say that I can do whatever the hell I want when it comes to making adventures happen. Three, we’re still working on artwork, something to really showcase my beauty. It’s pretty awful when you went from being able to draw for many years…to a long time of not drawing. The pain…and the stick figures. Ugh. Pitiful.
“Agreed.”
“Yeah, you should. You are just a horrible person, and you do horrible things, and you should feel ashamed of yourself.”
“I have zero fucks to give. What about you?”
“And that’s why I love ya. Platonically. Is it wrong to love yourself?”
“We’re sexy, and we know it.”
“Damn right. So there you have it, folks. We will be getting back on with Season Two, maybe a movie, some platonic 69 photoshoots, and then it’s off to Season Three. We will also be working on getting the stream up so we can show off our bits and get flagged for pornography and laugh about it in the office. I advise you to stay tuned and bring some lube, and maybe a towel.”
“You’ll get hit in the neck with a hacky sack, folks. Deathticles. Fear them.”
“Exactly. See you all soon!”
The room fades to black, save for the fire still burning in the background.
“Why did I get a minor role in this? Like usually I do all the talking, and then you do the minor quips. This one felt dumb as fuck.”
“Ain’t my fucking problem—sounds like a you problem.”
“You’re a cunt. Grade AAA.”
“Yeah, we know.”
“See you in the shower.”
Random announcer guy comes in and does a surprise narration. “STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS, NEXT TIME ON WASTELAND BEAR GOD XYZ! Oh, we’re still recording? TURN THIS SHIT OFF ALREADY!”
Last time on The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God: End of Season One [Part One] and Part Two.
Season Two Premiere Episode One Part One and Part Two.
Robert J. S. T. McCartney 