Free this week (starting 9/25) as a pre-treat to your Halloween fix; as it’s no trick and surely a treat as you can five-finger discount the dark humor novella The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal – Amazon Kindle edition.
You can secure your copy via the link above in its wondrous glory, until September 29, 2018.
If you’ve been wanting or itching to read about Bob and what’s wrong with his noggin, then it has never been a better time to reach in the grab bag than now.
If someone you know and love knows what it’s like to be the sad man, and what it’s like to be down on their luck, this book is for them. If they want a laugh, this book is also for them. If they secretly want the world to burn and think a deranged man who kills himself multiple times a day can do it, this book is for them. Plus, it’s also free. It’s also fiction. Free fiction that combines dark humor, action, suspense, science fiction, bewilderment, and what the fuck just happened, ALL IN ONE! It’s like getting a Dell, but without the spam and malware, that’s pre-installed.
So, I invite you to take a chance. Leap off the big building of normalcy and dive head first onto the concrete with this adventure involving a beloved character who has nothing going for him. What’s the worse that happens? You could hate it, or you could love it? It’s free.
Fantastic descriptions of what it would be like to wake up with no consequences.
Realization that this is fiction and that the meme Bob is different than the actual Bob, but for all purposes, Bob still has his arms and legs.
Eagerly hope that Bob doesn’t die in the end.
Everlasting love and friendship are for the birds. This is Bob’s story, and he’s sticking to it.
If you didn’t see that subliminal message that was pretty obvious, then I don’t know what to tell you. In any case, face the void with Bob at the helm. We’re crashing this ship right into your face, and infiltrating your mind with the crazy.
When I wrote The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal out, it started out as a gimmick series of blog posts. It turned out to be one of my favorite stories, aside from it being my personal thoughts and such. It’s so much more than just a slap in the face and entertaining read.
People seem to think suicide is a cowardly act, that it is funny, or to mock the deceased. That it is a taboo to talk about openly or it gets swept under the rug. Most often, those who hurt the most are those closest to us; those who suffer quietly and wear the biggest smiles and give us the biggest laughs. Some are open about their pain and their struggles.
Suicide is something one cannot dismiss or disregard. Folks get all uppity when a celebrity dies or offers “prayers.” That we should “take action” and hop on the bandwagon. Soon after that though… it’s quiet. Calm. No one really remembers. Online, people also seem to forget that your actions have consequences and bully other people (or worse, kids), and that’s not tolerable.
Between the millions that suffer; regardless of subrace, religion, sex, people suffer alone and think they’re alone. You’re not alone. I know each person’s experience of life is different. Mine has been. I’ve gotten help and am making strides to be a better person and show that it’s possible to enjoy life (even while still dealing with your demons). While it may be National #Suicide Prevention / Awareness Day / Month, we should be aware and prevent it each day. It’s not a holiday or commodity. It’s lives. Our lives. And if we band together and show each other that we care for one another more than just ourselves, the world (and our future and on) can be a wonderful place.
It’s what we must face every day
There’s no going around it did to say
Grave as it may seem
It’s the only place where we may redeem
Ourselves from the lives we’ve lived
All that we took in and claimed to have given
Good. Bad. Ugly. Beautiful.
Nothing matters in death
Except for totality and acceptance
No exceptions
No expectations
No IOUs or low down blues
Just a meet and greet with our long lost silent friend
They, who welcome us at the end
A sight for sore eyes
No need to sympathize
Happy Independence Day, folks. Or rather, ‘Happy-Wear-Your-USA-Flag-Bikini Day and Shoot Shit Off All Fucking Day.’ Yay!
Heaven forbid if you decide to have to, you know go to sleep early because you have a job; one that requires you to be up early as that son of a bitch rooster crowing, or if you not wearing an some Old Navy USA Flag shirt, or dislike the sounds of fireworks going off until one in the goddam morning, and your dog is howling. Then morning comes around, and you’re left with your eyes sagging lower than your nuts on your left leg because your kids couldn’t sleep. But you know, you’re the inconsiderate and un-American one if you disagree.
Hardly anyone remembers what this day means or what it represents. But since it’s a day off from the weekly work grind, folks sure do remember it then. A bunch of mindless drones.
I suppose it’s not their fault, entirely. We’ve been continually getting more dumb with each generation, that is, the mass population. You get a few bright bulbs here and there, but it’s a small number compared to the majority.
I bet you’re wondering “Bob, what are you doing with your 4th of July?” Well, bucko, lemme tell you all about it. I’m planning on shooting a bunch of shit off until who knows when. I’ve got it all planned out. Y’know, being that asshole of a neighbor. That’s the goal this year anyway.
The day started off simple enough. No itches but a ton of anxiety. We were to have folks over and make it a big shindig. Honestly, I just wanted to be left alone or go out somewhere by myself. It is what it is, though.
So we had everyone over and gathered everyone up for a show off of who’s firework ego was greater. Then I remembered, I hate the Fourth of July. After getting tired of who could fire off the bigger grade of booms, I thought it was time for my show.
I stood up and wandered over to the launcher and readied everything up. I was going to give everyone the show of a lifetime and I didn’t care. Everyone was there, all eyes on dear old Bob. At least the kids were inside playing video games.
Well, I decided to take a few M-80s and string them together (for maximum boom and to take someone’s head off. Namely mine.). I lit them and dropped them in the makeshift mortar launcher that Ted had made. Then I waited for the boom. Let me tell you, it was a hell of a rush. Y’know when you watch Mission Impossible and watching that fuse go? Hearing it sizzle, waiting for the boom. Well, I made some ‘modifications’ to the fuses, because I knew damn well that someone would try to be the hero. Sure as shit, someone tried, but I got the final discharge off. As bad as that sounds, it’s not as bad as the next bit. When I say I got the final discharge, I had my mouth open. So, you can imagine as soon as those suckers shot up, caught them in the mouth and POP goes I went.
When the day reset, the itch had begun, and I figured I’d start with the fireworks show and see what other fun ways I could off myself.
So I went with a fistful of M-80s—that was plenty painful. At least no one tried to be a hero that go around. Next up was a bunch of firecrackers—swallowed them whole. That was a spicy meatball; I’ll tell you. I know, you’re probably thinking, “Bob, that’s impossible.” No, no it’s not. It’s possible, and I do not recommend trying it. I ended up losing my hand on top of getting my insides tore the fuck up.
Those were the fun ones for that part of the day. The others were more like the grilling aspect.
* * *
So, I had my fun going out with a bang. I mentioned last time about grilling and well — let me just bring you up to speed.
The few guys I was having over wanted to have a grill out. I figured, bah, why not. Wouldn’t be too bad. Then everyone was launching their shit. Dogs were barking; cats were going crazy, kids were screaming, it was just a clusterfuck.
Well, I had about enough of it. Sure, people were having a blast and a grand old time, but old Bob? Nah, he wanted no more of it. I had just put the burgers on the grill when it happened. It was automatic I’d say, but then again, it wasn’t the first time where I went “fuck it” and just did what I wanted to do.
So, Bob’s burgers are on the grill, wandered on over to the gas can in the garage. Walked out to the middle of the street and poured it all over me. Then I flicked my lighter and toasted myself to a Happy 4th of July. A lot of people just stood there in shock that they just saw their quiet neighbor torch himself in front of everyone. Some attempted to be quick on their feet, but dear old Bob had a backup plan for that. You see I placed a few firecrackers in my pockets. You know, for that added pizzazz and flair. I must say, though, it wasn’t a great way to go. Self-barbecue. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be, and it hurts like hell. Eventually, though, your brain shuts you down, and well, your body gets well done. In my case, though, I was more medium-well.
I did a few different takes on the day. Each reset I was at a different friend’s place. Each time was a different way to go. M-80 in the gas tank of the car driving into the creek, playing Foghat’s Slow Ride. I made a custom M-80 vest and wandered out back of my pal Sid’s place and lit up, like, well the Fourth of July. At Jerry’s, I fashioned a few makeshift cherry bombs and made it look like I was taking a sip of beer, only to have my face and hand blown off. Then there was Terry’s place. We went into the woods, and I had decided that I would be a Wicker Man. So, I outfitted myself with I don’t remember how many and kinds of fireworks but when we got to the spot and unloaded. I told the guys I had a show for them. They all laughed and said “Alright, Bob. Can’t wait.” That night I lit myself up and gave them a presentation to remember.
The last time was where I had no itch and where I wasn’t really in a mood for offing myself. Crazy I know. I decided to spend it with my family and enjoy the time. That night, my wife and I got to coupling. In the end, it was a good day. Hardly anyone shot their shit off. It was pretty nice. Later on, though, as it rolled into the 5th, I ended up dying in my sleep.
I know, I know, you’re thinking “Bob, you didn’t kill yourself?” You’re right. I was amazed as well. Still, at least I shot my rocket off, and well, it ended up being a happy ending.
Well, until the other stuff happened to me but that’s something you can find out for yourself.
It’s the day that’s come around again. The release of the novel Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle in its beautiful paperback form. The Kindle version will be available June 28, 2018, and is open for pre-orders.
Win or lose, I am happy to have Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle back out in the world. I have been eager to get books one and three out for the world to see, and with the idea of possible books four and five. . .well. . .I want to see them all done officially and venture on.
I also have been having the itch of bringing out my one WIP (it’s done, just the title is still being bounced about) dubbed Sinclair Gets His Rolex. It’s a superhero story, but it’s more so an unorthodox way the hero gets his powers. I’ve also thought of several reworks and if I wanted to actually just start it over again or go and tweak things to a different route. It’s open-ended, so I have plenty of wiggle and flex room.
Then there’s the wrap up to The Lodestone Files. Ugh, I have it done as well as the side story, but it’s incredible how life can populate your time and let you miss out on getting back into writing more. A lot is going on and a lot to do. Much less apparent; not that I am on hiatus. . .but I am. I write when I can and when I can, but a lot is going on behind the scenes. Plus, I value doing things with my family and friends, so I again, do what I can when I can.
I look forward to seeing what people think of the “revised” Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle and look forward to seeing how it fairs. I am not nervous, nor do I care about the reviews (good or bad), I just write for myself and want to make some stories known.
In any case, I will be around and also sound off about the Kindle version of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle next week or so. I wish you all well, and to have a happy weekend. Stay safe out there!
“All life is a gamble. . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”
Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards.
It’s anything but a fairy tale. Lilah, armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund, gambles with her life–and with the lives of those around her.
Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.
It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled, and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah.
Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle is coming out on June 21, 2018 (6/21/18) with plenty of changes. As such, I wanted to share a final excerpt from the tale. I hope you enjoy it! Remember, you can pre-order it now in paperback here. Kindle versions will be available after release. Use coupon code PREORDER2018to receive a 10% discount.
I wish you all well and thanks for reading.
Until next time,
RJM
NOTE: The format is not a representation of the final product. It appears different and all shiny in the actual product. 😉
9♠
IT WAS LATE EVENING. The sun had already descended under the horizon. The stars had bloomed in the twilight and were sparkling like diamonds. The moon had also risen high above, offering a silver sliver of soft, majestic light to the world below. The only disturbance in the silence was the rustling of grass under Lynaly’s feet as she approached the hill that overlooked Middleton. She slowly sat upon the lone boulder, and a black shadow leaped out of the darkness, planting itself on her lap. She cradled the small beast.
Lynaly looked down at Sheila. The cat’s eyes were clenched shut in pure pleasure as it purred. “You can sense it, can’t you, my sweet?” she muttered.
A meow escaped the little beast’s maw as it slowly opened its majestic golden eyes and gazed upward to its queen. A smile crept across Lynaly’s face, and she continued to stroke Sheila’s back. She looked down upon Middleton, waiting, patient as a fisherman.
“Soon, we will.” Lynaly fixated on a location only known to her.
“Do you think he knows yet?” A disembodied male voice echoed in Lynaly’s mind.
“Perhaps—because of that flea,” she replied, annoyed. “It’s of no importance, for he will become mine.” Lynaly’s grin glowed faintly under the moon’s soft light. She picked up Sheila and looked her in the eyes. “Soon we will have all the pieces. However, you will do another task for me.” She stared deeper into Sheila’s eyes. “This will be your last task. Complete it and return to me. Soon you’ll be whole.”
The cat gave a light bob of its head. Lynaly placed the beast back onto her lap, where she ran her fingers down Sheila’s back.
The golden eyes closed again. “Yes, my queen, as you say.” Lynaly grinned again in the night’s deathly light.
—END EXCERPT—
“What hand has life dealt you? Let’s check. . .”
“All life is a gamble. . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”
Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards.
It’s anything but a fairy tale. Armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund, gambles with her life—and with the lives of those around her.
Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.
It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled, and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah.
She plays for keeps.
Purchase here and use coupon code PREORDER2018 to get 10% off your order.
Kept you waiting, huh? Yeah, it’s been awhile and I do apologize. I got to meet up with friends that I haven’t seen in a long time that came in out of state, and then there was Deadpool 2, Solo, and Avengers: Infinity War (all in one day), plus another viewing of Deadpool 2. It was epic.
I also got in a few rounds of Dragonball Fighterz and showed off Dragonball Legends. There were drinks, food, and trips to comic stores and such. Good times.
Now that everything is said and done…it’s time to draw the curtain on WoW: Legion. August is around the corner and well, it means a whole new experience. So, nostalgia has struck again and I am leaving behind a short clip from the older days.
More clips and such will be shared. They won’t be edited; they’ll be raw and such. Which reminds me…I still have my Buckethead stuff to share from Covington, KY.
Anyway, I will leave this here and share a 6-part video bit in the coming days.
If you’ve been wanting or itching to read about Bob and what’s wrong with his noggin, then it has never been a better time to reach in the grab bag than now.
Robert J. S. T. McCartney 